Wednesday, February 27, 2008

unused script

"if you see her, say hello"

EL HUMIDOR and MUDMAN sit in MudMan's basement. MudMan holds a strange sheaf of paper. Many sizes, many sources, all covered in the unmistakable Marx-a-Lot scribblescrawl of El Humidor.

MUDMAN (reading):

Act II.

She gets shot in the place, bleeds out, dies in Casey's arms. Damon, meanwhile, hijacks the train transporting the StealthCycle, after being blackmailed by a corrupt Internal Affairs agent named Cox. Damon calls his sister Lil' Kim and tells her to poison the well and put the family farm to the match. So already we know he's a wild card. Jump cut to Casey. He's in an ice cave, still stained with the blood of Milla; he's using the serrated back of his survival knife to cut down a shotgun. He chants "my hate keeps me warm my heat flames the hate in my veins, my veins shall form the nooses from which my enemies dangle". Then he uses his phone to to hyper-hack the Internal Affairs mainframe, in an effort to find the extra-train carrying the StealthCycle.

Act III.

Strong Horse drifts amongst the stars. He is contacted by Milla, who promises to be his Rainbow Bride if only Strong Horse will strike down with super-lightning Lil' Kim. After a fistfight with a nimble, heavily-armed walrus, Casey crawls from the ice cave--just in time to see the extra-train thunder by. He stands, flummoxed. Lil' Kim cuts her way out of the downed walrus--actually some sort of walrus-disguise/powered battle-suit--and draws a bead on the back of Casey's neck with a high-tek crossbow. Strong Horse challenges Milla to a game of Solitaire.


Cox drives the extra-train thru the mountains of Iowa while delivering an impassioned soliloquy on the doublecross of Damon. Zombie Milla mounts the StealthCycle and rockets off to East Berlin, to visit the Kremlin, where the rest of her squad (a)waits, grimjawed. Lil' Kim contacts Strong Horse and Zombie Milla in turn, saying only to each "Package attained". Strong Horse knocks over his set of Chinese Checkers; Zombie Milla says only "Check please" before throttling up. Camera pulls back and Damon has been moving Lil' Kim's head like a ventriloquist's dummy. Casey's behind the counter of an inner-city convenience store, leafing through an issue of Fox, berating Cox for a bungled job. Cox sits with Lil' Kim, each dressed as a night elf, and as the camera pulls back, we see that Cox' cluttered office was just a set in the woods--12 white mages surround the 2, chanting in Gaelic as the screen fades to black.

MUDMAN: I like it.